You Have To Be Kidding
by Waffles7
Summary: Sequel to Not Everyone Can Wynne, but set three years in the future.  Edward might have had his experience within crime, but that didn't mean he found every illegal activity fun.  Warning Drug Use


an: I must give Catwoman on GCRPG credit for giving me this idea. So thank you, dear. *bow* Next comment, thanks for all the reviews on my last SelinaxEdward two shot! I quite enjoyed them. It is why I am writing this. Currently, this is merely a one shot, but if you can convince me I might make it a two shot just to add the pure smut into the fic. Anyways, enjoy!

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><p>"No, I will not lower myself to the bile substance that literally destroy brain cells," he muttered. He wasn't entirely certain how he had managed to get himself into this current situation. One moment, he was merely answering his door for a friend in need of a favor. Why she decided to use the door instead of breaking his window again was beyond him, but he was thankful. The next moment he was sitting in his living area across from Selina Kyle arguing about pot.<p>

"Eddie, you are far too uptight. This can help with your unhuman stress levels," she smirked as she held out the joint between her long fingernails. She lounge on the couch across from him with a causal attire that always caught him off guard. A simple sweater and jeans seemed unaccustomed to Selina Kyle, but the black Steve Martin heels she had sauntered in seemed far more appropriate. The contraptions now sat carelessly tossed at the edge of the couch. Her almost empty wine glass was in her other hand.

Ah, alcohol, the riddle all made sense. Drinking always led to unreasonable arguments.

"Uptight? Having a tendency to be overly cautious could hardly be considered uptight, dear," he commented, as he raised the scotch to his lips. Edward drank rarely, but when he did he always preferred hard liquor. It held no lie within it, unlike wine and mixed drinks that tended to mask the strength of their potency.

Selina gave that sly almost devious smile of hers as she placed her wine down on the coffee table between them. She pulled her legs off the couch so she could better lean over the table to hold out the joint. "I brought this as gratitude for your favor. The polite thing to do would be to accept it," she said, waving the joint back and forth.

He scoffed as he rolled his eyes. He doubted that was the case. Selina knew as long as she gave him a praise or two and he found the favor interesting he would probably do it without any need of payment or gratitude. A favor like finding Thomas Elliot's location so she could send off her revenge tape was something he would do without even a nod of thanks. He hated that man after he had been tossed off roof with a broken fingers and forced him into hiding. He hated the man for causing him to be so desperate to seek out that bitch, Pam. He hated the man for making Edward so weak that Pam had managed to break his sanity. He hated the man for the year of rehabilitation he had to endure. Most of all, he hated the man for what he had finally done to Selina. He would gladly help Selina extract her revenge.

"I am a Private Investigator now, dear, and if you think I can't deduce that lie then you highly underestimate my skills," he smirked as he looked at the woman still childishly waving the joint. She must be bored, or upset. Probably a little of both, if she wanted so much not to think about her current life by using a drug substance. Edward would admit that he was never a psychologist, but he knew one of the reasons Selina had come to visit him was probably to escape the feeling of being a victim. She wanted his company because he reminded her of the life before she had been used as a hostage for Batman. "If you want to lose a brain cell or two, I won't stop you," he said, with a causally wave of the hand, "You have to have brain cells after all to lose them," he smirked.

She frowned at the comment. Her free hand went down to the coffee table and the plate full of cheese and crackers. With a flick of one elegant finger, she managed to project a cracker right into his face.

The surprising sharp pain from the cracker caused his face to scrunch together as he sat up from the couch, rubbing his face with his hand. "That was quite immature," he remarked. His other hand put down his glass.

"I was merely proving that I understand the physic behind a projectile," she said with a smirk as she sat up straighter on the couch. She reached into her jean pocket and pulled out a lighter, "But if you're going to be a baby, I guess I will enjoy without you."

He shot her a glare as he watch her put the joint between her lips and bring the lighter up to light it. As she sucked in, she looked like an overstuffed teddy bear. Her cheeks puffed out, yet her eyes holding his gaze. For some reason, she could even make this disgusting act look alarmingly sexy.

She pulled the joint away, holding in the smoke before slowly breathing it out. She didn't cough, just sort of fell back into the couch.

His brow lifted. "You do this a lot?" he asked with a smirk.

She gave him a smile, a real big smile that only a person who is starting to get high could give. "Medicine for the heart," she said then let out a giggle. She then hid her face, in a sense of embarrassment.

Interesting…

He had never seen Selina like this before. She was almost turning giddy. "Most people say love is the best medicine for that," he stated with humor as he watched Selina laugh more.

"Eddie, have you seen the men I've dated. I certainly am getting none of that," she said as she brought the joint to her lips again. She dragged in, taking another large hit.

"You should stop going for brutes then," he suggested, as the smoke left her lips.

She smiled at him and every time he saw it, his heart picked up pace. "If I did that, my choices would be cut in half," she commented then looked at him, "Are you sure, Eddie? Just one hit?" She held it out to him.

His eyes glanced at the substance then back at her eyes then back to the substances. He finally let out a resigned sigh. "My apartment is already going to smell. I might as well enjoy it," he muttered.

Selina perked up. "Come here," she said, patting the cushion beside her.

He rolled his eyes, though inwardly he felt a tinge of nervousness. It was an odd feeling, considering Selina and him had been intimate before. It was so long ago now. When he had cheated death, he had visited her once. It had gone as expected. They made an awkward hello and chitchat about the weather. He decided that he would prefer not to continue such an unpleasant experience and focused on his ultimate riddle, how to manipulate the Batman. At the time, he could have sworn he had determined his secret identity, but now after the break insanity and the year of rehabilitation and regaining his memory, it was far too muddled. Many of the things before Pam's epic destruction of his persona were now muddled or clouded. He did remember he won that battle. He certainly did. Now, that Edward was on the right side of the law, he had been speaking with Selina far more often. It was enjoyable, especially since he didn't have any other friends.

He picked up his cane, and quickly maneuvered around the coffee table to plop himself down next to Selina. He let his cane drop on the floor as he took the joint from her hands. "I can't believe I am doing this," he said to himself and Selina's cat like grin. He brought the joint to his lips. He quickly drew in a breath feeling his mouth with that horrible taste and his lungs with the disgusting smoke. He had only done this once before and remembered not truly enjoying it. He copied what Selina had done, so when he pulled the joint away from his lips, he held his breath. As expected, he didn't last long. He started coughing immediately. His hand flew to his mouth as he tried to gang control. His other hand held the joint back out to Selina.

"Eddie attempting to be a bad boy," she commented, "I have to say, it still doesn't fit you." She let out a small giggle as she grabbed the joint.

Edward wanted to glare at her, but he couldn't help his own smile as he finally gain control over his coughing. "What is that suppose to mean?" he asked. His limps felt heavier then before. His logical side explained to him that it was the side effect of the drug, but the paranoid part of him blamed gravity for shifting focus. "I have you know, I am quite a bad boy."

She laughed, a full-hearted laugh. "Eddie, you went around throwing puzzle in a green suit. It's not the most bad boy atmosphere," she commented then took another hit.

He imagined himself literally throwing puzzle pieces and found it ridiculous, but then a thought later reminded himself that he had actually thrown puzzle pieces that were explosives. He started laughing at the image played in his mind. He fell back into the couch. He finally smiled. "Yeah I guess green is a little off from dark and mysterious." He paused in his comments as his mind ran through all of his actions. He found the smile slowly leaving as he clouded mind shifted to some of the more horrendous things he had done. He had placed people in riddles. Only a few lucky one that were saved by the Bat had lived. How many people had he killed? When he had been (admittedly) slightly insane, he had never blamed himself for their deaths. They were too stupid to figure it out. He had given them all an opportunity for escape, they just weren't smart enough to figure it out. He couldn't be blamed for their lack of intelligence. But now…now he knew that his riddles were basically impossible for anyone other than Batman and himself. He had done quite a few other horrible things as well, luckily Batman had stopped him from most. His attempt to destroy the US economy by manipulating the stock market had been one of his more elaborate schemes, but Batman had stopped him. He still hated the man, but at least, he had prevented him from doing anything horribly wrong.

His eyes focused on the joint in front of his face, and he smiled. He plucked it from her hand and brought it to his lips again.

"You became awfully serious," Selina commented, as Edward took another hit.

Edward didn't cough this time. He handed the now smaller joint back to Selina. "I was just thinking over the past. It's strange to consider the horrible things you have done," he stated.

Selina stared at him for a moment before rolling her eyes. "I shouldn't be surprised you're one of those," she commented, taking one last hit before putting the joint down on the coffee table. It was basically dead now.

Edward's brow lifted. "One of what?" he asked.

"One of those people who like to share deep thoughts or philosophy when their high," she finished with a smile.

He smirked at her, "You said I wasn't a bad boy, it forced me to consider the logical facts behind that statement."

"Edward," she said his full name, which always meant she was being serious, "People make mistakes. It's best not to dread on it. Besides you should be focusing on the present where an attractive woman lays innocently on your couch."

He watched as Selina stretched out along the couch like a cat. Her legs moved on top of his lap as her hands stretched above her head. Edward naturally felt his eyes fall to the rise of her breast. "Innocently?" he repeated. His hand easily moved to the top of her legs.

"It's best not to accuse a woman of indecency," she said with her sly smile. Her hands moved back down to her side.

"Oh how rude of me," said with a smirk. His finger slowly tracing along her chin, "You see I am not accustomed to a woman barging into my home and forcing me to smoke pot. I usually took such an action as a sign of an improper woman. I should have known it is a sign of innocence." His finger slowly traced upward to her knee.

Selina shifted. She pushed herself upwards into a sitting position. It brought her face much closer to Edwards. "I always heard sarcasm is a sign of unintelligence. Strange it is coming from your lips, Eddie," she remarked. Her eyes fell to his lips.

He almost felt the need to gulp, but he didn't. He kept his calm and collective attitude. Maybe, it was the pot, but he felt more relaxed. "Well when a woman causes a man to stop thinking what can you expect?" he said with a smirk. He didn't even wait to see Selina's stun expression. He leaned over and kissed her.

He would have to rethink his analysis on drug use.


End file.
